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Helping Yourself Heal When Someone Dies

Someone you love has died.

You are now faced with the difficult, but important, need to mourn.

Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings

regarding the death and the person who has died. It is an essential

part of healing. You are beginning a journey that is often frightening,

painful, overwhelming, and sometimes lonely. This article provides

practical suggestions to help you move toward healing in your

personal grief experience.

Your grief is unique. No one will grieve in exactly the same way.

Your experience will be influenced by a variety of factors: the

relationship you had with the person who died; the circumstances

surrounding the death; your emotional support system; and your

cultural and religious background. As a result of these factors, you will

grieve in your own special way. Don't try to compare your experience with

that of other people or to adopt assumptions about just how long

your grief should last. Consider taking a "one-day-at-a-time"

 approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.

Express your grief openly. By sharing your grief outside yourself,

healing occurs. Ignoring your grief won't make it go away; talking

about it often makes you feel better. Allow yourself to speak from

your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn't mean you are losing

 control, or going "crazy." It is a normal part of your grief journey.

Find caring friends and relatives who will listen without judging.

Seek out those persons who will walk with, not in front of , or

behind you in your journey through grief. Avoid persons

who are critical or who try to steal your grief from you. They may

tell you, "keep your chin up," or "carry on," or "be happy."

While these comments may be well-intended, you do not have to

accept them. You have a right to express your grief; no one has the

 right to take it away.

Experiencing loss affects your head, heart, and spirit. So you may

experience a variety of emotions as part of your grief work. Confusion,

disorganization, fear, guilt, relief, or explosive emotions are just a few of

 the emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow each

other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously.

As strange as some of these emotions may seem they are normal and healthy.

Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And don't be surprised if out of

nowhere you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most

unexpected times. These grief attacks can be frightening and leave

 you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a natural response

to the death of someone loved. Find someone who understands

 your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.

Feeling dazed or numb when someone dies is often part of your early grief

 experience. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives your emotions

time to catch up with what your mind has told you. This feeling helps create

 insulation from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate

what you don't want to believe.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued.

 Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And

your low-energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your

 body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced

 meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring for yourself

doesn't mean feeling sorry for yourself it means you are using survival skills.

Reaching out to others and accepting support is often difficult, particularly

 when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can

do at this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends and

relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Find those people

 who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings --

both happy and sad.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved.

 It helps provide you with the support of caring people. Most importantly,

 the funeral is a way for you to express your grief outside yourself. If you

eliminate this ritual, you often set yourself up to repress your feelings, and

you cheat everyone who cares of a chance to pay tribute to someone who was,

and always will be , loved.

If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you.

 Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your

religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of the death of someone

 you loved, realize this feeling as a normal part of your grief work.

Find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt

and abandonment.

You may find yourself asking, "Why did he die? Why this say? Why now?"

This search for meaning is often another normal part of the healing process.

 Some questions have answers. Some do not. Actually, the healing occurs in

the opportunity to pose the questions, not necessarily in answering them.

Find a supportive friend who will listen responsively as you search for meaning.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after someone loved dies.

Treasure them. Share them with your family and friends. Recognize that your

memories may make you laugh or cry. In either case, they are a lasting part of

the relationship that you had with a very special person in your life.

The capacity to love requires the necessity to grieve when someone loved dies.

 You cannot heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief

will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming.

Embrace your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly.

Remember, grief is a process, not an event. be patient and tolerant with yourself.

Never forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

 It's not that you won't be happy again. It's simply that you will never be exactly

the same as you  were before the death. The experience of grief is powerful.

So, too, is your ability to help yourself heal. In doing the work of grieving,

you are moving toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in your life.

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 2004 Boyer & Cool Home for Funerals. 
Revised: 04/05/06